Throwback #IVF1

I did exceptionally well; in my doctor’s words: I made beautiful eggs.  Thereafter Egg retrieval was performed and the eggs were placed in the incubator for insemination.  My husband also did his duty and donated his very capable soldiers for fertilization. 

The doctor was happy with the quality of the fertilised eggs and at day three embryo transfers of two eggs was done.  We went home, waited and followed instructions to take things easy and minimise anxiety levels, as if that was possible!  Two weeks later a pregnancy was confirmed.  We went on with our lives and at 8 weeks I started bleeding.  Referring to my first experience I knew how dangerous this was.  I was at work so I dropped everything and rushed to the doctor’s office.  At the back of my mind I convinced myself that I was spotting.  Some women bleed during early pregnancy, perhaps I was one of those. 

The silence was painful to listen to as the doctor tried to find the heartbeat, my heart sank as I realised what was happening. He said with a heavy heart, there is no heartbeat, and we can perform a voluntary abortion or wait for the fetus to expel on its own’.  From this point I heard nothing the doctor said.  

My body felt like a graveyard for my unborn children.  

• Why could I not give life? 
• Why was my body not able to sustain life?  

My body was a weapon against that which I loved and cherished most.